The other day I could not for the life a me find Rockstar and had to subject myself to some obscure energy drink called "Ludicrous."
And this brings up the question I know is on all your minds, whats with all these energy drinks? Whats the difference? How do I know which one is right for me?
As a benevolent service to you my readers, I embarked upon an epic quest to sample and review every energy drink I could get my grimy little hands on. I found 13 different types of energy drinks and tried them all. I then spent three hours hallucinating, followed by three hours with too little attention span to do anything but twitch, followed by 48 hours of restlessness. The things I do for you, the readers!!
Among other things I learned in this adventure, is that the FDA does not recommend you consume more than 500 millegrams of caffiene per day, or three of those 16 oz ("two servings") energy drinks. Also among the vitamins advertised on most energy drinks is taurine. Taurine is believed to aid in digestion among other things, is an essential vitamin for cats, and is found in human milk (but not cows milk). It is called "taurine" because it was discovered in ox bile. As such, the amount of taurine in a drink can be said to be the measure of bullshit involved.
Major Brands - those most commonly available
Red Bull - Usually at $1.99 for 8oz, Red Bull weighs in at roughly twice the price of most other energy drinks, for as far as I can tell about equitable ingredients and taste. As such the even remotely financially conscious should avoid this bougousie beverage like the plague. By “Red Bull gives you wings” they really mean “here at Red Bull we’re giving you the bird.” (80mg of caffiene per 8oz)
Original Red Bull - see this entry for discussion of the original red bull which may have started it all.
Rockstar - man I just had a Rockstar again after having consumed only other energy drinks for awhile in the interest of this research, and man, I think I’m going to have to readjust some of the other descriptions now, I’d forgotten the divine goodness that is rockstar. (150mg of caffiene per 16oz)
Lost - the energy drink for persons that are professions other than rockstars – for example my erstwhile roommate Chen, an aspiring adult entertainment star, swears by Lost. It costs the same as Rockstar, is slightly harder to find, and tastes perhaps just a skoshe more intense.
Power Horse - tastes like Rockstar et al, only a little less sweet I think. (151.36mg caffiene / 16oz) (created by Hansens)
Monster - Much more flavoursome than Rockstar. At first I liked it but then after having a number of them (they were on sale 25% at Safeway) decided the flavoursomeness was getting old and Rockstar is indeed preferable. (created by Hansens) -- Also some friends of mine have invented a monster based drink they call either the Testicle or Monsticle. Basically its 25% Monster energy drink, 75% vodka (!), bite into a lime and toss it in, chug whole thing -- allegedly you can barely taste the alcohol. And the lime floating in it looks like a testicle or something. More research on this one still to come no doubt!
Monster Assault - a little more like soda and a little less that Red Bull / Rockstar “energy drink” flavour, tastes very sweet – I’d give it a B- (160mg caffiene / 16oz)
Full Throttle - Full Throttle, the Cocoa-Cola entry in the energy drink category, goes for some kind of lemon-lime flavour. In my opinion, it totally sucks. Interestingly, because Cocoa-Cola is behind it, Full Throttle can be found almsot anywhere. Its perhaps even more pervasive than Red Bull.. but I've never met someone who drinks it.
No Fear – I bought two of these on the way to Oxnard because they were two for one, putting them at $1.30s per 16oz. They tasted kind of like Full Throttle but worse. No Fear is the Sobe energy drink. I dunno if they have a deal with the “No Fear” clothing line or what.
Joker Mad Energy - I dunno what to say but that it tastes like rockstar but slightly different… more tart? At first I really liked it but half a can later I’m giving it a lower rating, I dunno if that’s because I was really thirsty at first or what.
Hanson’s Energy Deuce - I’m not sure what the deal with this stuff is, considering that I’m pretty sure Hanson’s makes Monster (among other things, they have the same contact address). I found one battered can of this on the shelf at Albertson’s once. Maybe it’s a relic of the predesessor of Monster? Only it tastes different. I could only describe the taste as “I can’t believe it tastes like that!” not necessarily in a good way, but not necessarily a bad way.. just.. wtf to the mouth. Jason liked it.. said “its not like being kicked in the mouth like other energy drinks.”
Independent Energy - tastes like grapefruit. I suppose it might be good if you’re into that kinda thing? I’m not into that kind of thing.
Ripped - This energy drink has seriously somehow managed to capture the taste of getting your ass kicked by a wave and receiving a mouthful of sea-water. Though without the salt content, its still disgusting.
Ludicrous - distinguishing feature: hella sweet. I mean in the taste sense, not the frasky sense.
Wired - 90mg of caffiene per 16oz (90 mg Inositol, 46mg Taurine), and at $1.19 for a 16oz can at Nugget, I used to live on this stuff (as the cheapest energy drink by far that doesn't taste like ass. In fact none of the ones that taste like ass are that cheap either). Unfortunately The Nugget hasn't carried it for months so I couldn't compare it to the rest. I haven't compared it to Rockstar but I'd say its at least second best to Rockstar by my reckoning.
Bonus: For extra points find the UC Irvine ID card, the 24 oz can of steel reserve, and the energy drink prominantly missing from the photograph.
PS: Don't worry mother, I didn't really drink all 13 at once and hallucinate etc.
In 30 in 30 News [this just a flashback to 2008]
I'm particularly pleased that 30 in 30 participants are starting to get into the spirit of interacting with one another. hereticxxii has posted challenges for myself, meowmeowpants and metalphoenix. In turn, xaositecte (whose name, btw, I find on his journal and cut/paste from there whenever I need to write it since its impossible to spell) has challenged hereticxxii himself.